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Monday, September 30, 2019

Expecting

NO, not the baby-related 'expecting,' stop it, haha!

Anyway, hello! It was a really busy summer. I'm not sure if I said this with my last post all the way back in June, but it's been...difficult to make art now that I have my yoga practice. A lot of my creative energy and time is spent reading and planning classes. Which is very FUN, and it IS very creative and art-y, but just not great blog fodder, you know?


This month I got to combine my art and yoga projects into a day-long retreat that I themed "Find Your Flow." There were two yoga classes, and two art-making sessions and a nice walk and lunch break in the middle. It was really fun to blend all my pastimes together and share that with my friends. 


[Image: My really fun basement studio set up for yoga practice.]

Anyway, to get to this particular post, I've been doing a lot of internal work again, like I do when I'm wearing myself out again.

A meme quote thing on the interweb that I saw last month just keeps sticking with me, so I know it's probably some magic key to my health and well-being, yeah:


[Image Text: Stop expecting YOU from people.]

In my day-to-day life, I feel really disappointed in people I care about a lot.

It doesn't feel great. But also know that I'm mad at myself most of all.

I'm doing a lot of work with myself to acknowledge and understand

that not everyone processes things like I do.

I have this very conflicting party happening in my brain all of the time.

I'm an Obliger -- This is the Tendency that tends to only act on things when they feel externally expected/obligated to, but rarely can ever get the motivation to meet their own internal expectations. OBLIGATIONS THAT WE SOMETIMES JUST INVENT OURSELVES, which is SUPER-hilarious.

I'm also an EN/ESFJ -- From my little bit of Myers-Briggs dabbling, we like structure and stability and efficiency in processes, and generally love helping people fix things and move on, AND I get my energy from being social. Oof.


(PS. I also just kinda hate myself a lot of the time, so external validation is worth WAY too much, which is probably its own other blog post and probably what the real problem is, ha.)

So, I perpetually get stuck in a loop where I am very diligent at task-completing and being open and social and communicative, AND my memory/note-keeping skills are pretty OK, so that means I get myself into lots of roles where I oversee things and want to help execute things really well because I can just juggle lots of things on my plate with relatively low effort.


But, when I'm IN the midst of that, no one else seems as communicative and open and diligent and ready to fix things as I am (because, shocker, no one is me), and then I start getting mad.

BUT, because of my people-pleasing social nature, just saying "no" is harder than just being mad and overworked. How can I have any value if I'm not helping? Who am I if I'm not helping? I am a garbage human if I'm not constantly out proving my worth to people.

A lot of the memes about this shit on the Internet say "Stop expecting so much from others, and then you will feel better." And that's...I think that's really unfair to the people I love. I want to expect great things from them because they are great people. That's why I love them so much.


But I also am starting to get better at understanding that their greatness just looks different than just being a tremendously social door mat.

What they offer in this world is different than what I offer, and that's great. We need everyone; we need all kinds of personalities to make things work. The world would probably be less lovely if everyone functioned exactly like me.

So. A work in progress, I guess, just like all things we practice.


I'm sure I post a version of this story about every 6 months or so, because it's a loop. I'll think I have it figured out, and then I fall back into old habits again.

I think what's different now is I'm getting better at catching it ahead of time, sensing it coming, and redirecting before the utter burnout.


My yoga practice is helping me stop and breathe and try to shine a light on all perspectives in a situation before I start melting down. It's helped me find a little more compassion for myself and others.

Really, I think the first step to any sort of change in this regard is recognizing that you have value all on your own. And that you deserve the same care that you give to others. 


If other people can't provide that, what's the saying, "If you want something done right, do it yourself."? Treat your self-preservation and love as another priority on your to-do list; you are the one that knows what you need.

Love,
Classy McG

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