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Tuesday, December 18, 2018

Sorry

This will be almost a Part 2 or Follow-up to this post I made around this time of year three years ago. And I was probably 20 lbs lighter at the time and I was already hating myself again.

--

I've come to a crossroads with myself and my well-being.

There are two conflicting versions of myself

who just fight non-stop in my mind:

1) The me who is strong and smart and capable and confident in the knowledge I have in this world,

and

2) The me that got too fat and is a complete embarrassment to everyone around me. Remember that Wesley Willis song, "I'm sorry that I got Fat?" It just plays in a loop in my mind, and I haven't heard that song since college.

Conflicting Me Photo by Keith Curtis, June 2018


I'm to the point where I'm declining/avoiding social engagements (or going, but just extremely anxious the entire time I'm there) because I just feel like I'm a walking beacon of failure and "oh, gawd, look at what happened to her."

I'm to the point where I don't want to be in photographs anymore.

And I'm definitely to the point where FB Memories can fuck right off.

I've done enough reading this year (Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon is now at the very top of my recommended reading, OMG) to at least intellectually understand that going on diets is not good for us long-term. 


The constant food restrictions just send our bodies spiraling (psychologically, physiologically, just in EVERY WAY), and often CAUSES the very bingeing responses that we typically attribute to us just being shitty failure garbage people.

And as I ease up on myself and my food,

and just try to eat what I enjoy,
and just exist in the world,
the weight just piles back on,
and I'm too tired to fight anymore.

I have a life to live, and my weight is the least of my actual troubles.
My weight is society's problem.
It may very well be no actual problem,

and I'm just a misguided mess.

Which again, I understand intellectually.

--

A friend recently told me that in an improv class she took,
everyone was asked what their greatest insecurity is (or something like that).

And even though I wasn't there,
I knew my answer for sure.

I'm afraid that I'm too fat to be seen as a credible person, 
a person with value.

--

On the flip-side, if you've hung out with me at all lately, you know that I'm gearing up to begin a Yoga Teacher Training (YTT) program in January (the one where you learn ABOUT teaching yoga, and then get your 200-hours and can teach or do whatever you want) (Right now I still do not know what I want).

It's one of those things I've shuffled around in my mind forever (when I've been all kinds of sizes/shapes) that I finally decided "Ok, shit or get off the pot," so here we are.

And I've been so encouraged by people who immediately responded,

"Yay, I want to learn from you!"
and don't seem to notice
the fat hideous monster talking to them at that moment.

So hey, maybe despite of (or maybe because of) my exterior,

I can still be helpful and of use.

So, I'm going to keep trucking along.
I'm going to keep practicing

and teaching
and performing
and creating
and existing

and it'll probably be fine?

But for now,

I'm just sorry.

Because there's just a part of my brain

that feels like I've let YOU down
by not staying skinny.

And it's a LOUD part of my brain right now.


-C McG

2 comments:

  1. I would like to say, "Yay, I want to KEEP learning from you!", because really, you've already taught me a lot. What I see when I talk to you is your lovely self... and your humor, wit, way with words, and helpful actions.

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  2. You are always beautiful and I am always happy to see you. I have the same struggle. Immense guilt with every morsel I put in my mouth no matter how healthy. I will support you with whatever you need.

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